Alone & Angry ~social skills never taught & living now without them

Been thinking about this for awhile & sure many of you struggle with the same frustration and anger… Honestly, I don’t know how to be gentle with myself and accept this fact ~ In part of moving forward and living in the now, I’m lacking so many skills others take for granted… I don’t know what is appropriate in so many things… and it stifles me and I hate it! This is such a sore spot for me… so much anger and self despisement even though its not my fault… I have a heart to want to be with others, support them, love them… I feel like I can’t because I’m not “healthy”… A lot of times I say things that my intentions are good but comes out blunt and taken negatively. Often I “freeze” and do nothing because I become overwhelmed not knowing what to do. I feel like I will over stay my visits (have done so many times in the past) – I don’t know what is appropriate for how much of their time to take up… Sometimes I share with a close friend a situation and she tells me something so simple I could have done and said… I get so frustrated, it was so easy yet, I was clueless…


                                                                We visited someone recently we hadn’t seen in years, and I was in awe how beautifully my husband handled it… I would have let the visit linger and linger (hard for me to say goodbye)… he saw she was busy… we had a nice 15 minute visit that I couldn’t even wrap my head around how to do what he did…  maybe its the inner me not wanting to leave her yet… maybe its the ignorance of how long a visit it should be… it could be a lot of things…


Its like having  a blank slate, whereas others have the common sense in what to do socially… I am getting better with after the facts, this is what I could have said or done… Some situations are just so emotionally stimulating that the logical reaction can’t be accessed.


                                                                                                                                       A recent example is a family function at my in-laws. Looking back I could have let them know the topic they are discussing is making me uncomfortable and I am going to go out for awhile and let them talk and will come back after… At their house you never know what they’ll start talking about! After a few times of it and talking to my husband, we realize I just need a few “outs” to escape…  Going out for fresh air has been a common one for me. Another I used to do is excuse myself for a phone call…  One visit both my husband and I wanted to get out of there so I asked him to run me to the store for something and we’d be back… it gave us some breathing space without making them feel bad…


I have learned so much especially in my marriage regarding communication. I am so thankful… it probably saved our marriage, us both working hard in this area… He will tell me if I slip and things come out blunt… Then I back up and rephrase it nicely how I meant it with better words… Wow, communicating is so much better than just reacting and living in hurt and anger toward each other… (I do have to acknowledge some of you don’t have that option, the person won’t even communicate with you, I am so sorry if you are with someone like that, my heart goes out to you!)

I came across Alan Robarge on youtube… one of his vids is on my Videos page… I recently joined Instagram for the positive quotes and fun things… (I had to make an account where others won’t know who I am because I want it just for me and its a site others can find you and follow you and I really don’t want people in my life on that… Hey, thats a boundary, woo hoo… feels good to recognize when you do, do something positive for yourself, I hope you do that for you… So this is one of his he has on his page, which is an example of what to say in a situation… I am going to write him asking for more of this kind of stuff in any social situation because its soooo helpful. If you happen to know of anyone who has written a book or something please leave it in the comments… or a book title idea for aspiring writers ~ Common Sense Social Skills for Dummies!


I wasn’t sure how much I was going to share on this post… I am sure you have so many examples and get my point… and lived it… and I don’t know how to accept myself… I guess the more I can learn and be confident… and there may be resources out there I never came across…. please leave in the comments if you know of them…


One more thing I feel so sad about is communities like these when someone is going through something and I want to say just the right thing in comments but don’t want my good intention to come out wrong and make it worse! We all know well meaning people that say things that really are not helpful… I’ve seen your posts on these things so I know you understand that. I also have seen the posts what not to say and what to say to those hurting so I want to re-read that. I am learning its not so much advice as being there for someone, sitting with them through their pain and acknowledging them… comments invalidating others and minimizing are very hurtful but sometimes they are said without that intent. I hope I never do that! If you are reading this post, know I am sitting with you in spirit… you aren’t alone… and I care… I believe in you… you are worthwhile and important to me… you matter…<3

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About kpaol

Hi! I love God, my husband, my kitty, photography & photoshop, blogging, & my wordpress community :)
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8 Responses to Alone & Angry ~social skills never taught & living now without them

  1. My husband, and most others I know in my day to day life are settled. Whole. Connected. And take it for granted.
    For me that takes work, to find moments, or longer periods of time, where wholeness and connectedness are present and felt. Scattered and zoning out are what most of life has been.
    So situations others breeze through easily without thought froze me, including getting words out that matched my feelings. That is still hard and mostly occurs in the written word where I’ve had time to get down to true feelings, thoughts and emotions. Growing up pretending what happened didn’t because my mother needed it to be that way, and being forced to love those that terrorized, and attacked, kept me from myself. That is what is required to be in a ‘family.’
    It is daily work to get my body, spirit and mind to settle and become whole.

    My guess is that others are much kinder to you than you are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I meant that others are probably much kinder to you than you are to yourself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • kpaol says:

        I had to read that sentence twice… I got it ☺…. You’re right… I have to remember that… I don’t know why I feel like I have to have it all together to like my own self…

        Like

      • I mentioned it only because I’m familiar with doing that most of my life. It is understandable.
        No one came to intervene, help or protect. I leaned I didn’t matter, was at fault, and ought to be the one to keep others from attacking me. All went on as if nothing happened.
        I was alone from then on in a way most others don’t understand except others who were sexually abused as children. It is a raw, clawing loneliness to run from. The running takes me further from myself, a being already shattered.
        Nothing I did was right or good in my chaotic, harsh mind and heart. I can beat myself up for not knowing how to be kind towards myself. How could I know?
        That needs fostering and nurturing in childhood. I received opposite messages.
        It takes a lot of time, work and effort to change the tapes, make new grooves, and write new messages and scripts…and believe them in the gut where it counts. Progress is made over time…

        Liked by 2 people

  2. kpaol says:

    Thanks for sharing 💟I relate to this… And I just realized it’s so easy to forget others are struggling as well… some how I grew up with the mentality that I am the only one… maybe because it wasn’t affirmed…others acted like they didn’t struggle… My family and friends don’t share vulnerable stuff like this… I feel like until I am with a support group or community you find your not alone and you’re okay… I hope I make sense… Thank you again for commenting! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I read this and thought .. there I am … what I experience is being written by someone else… I have no solutions to offer… as I’m working on my healing in this area as well… what I can say is time has been supportive of my healing and finding others who “get me” helps me in ways that I can put into words. I thank you for once again… saying what I have not … much love and peace sent your way❤️🙏🏽 and as always ☕️😃

    Like

    • kpaol says:

      yes, I have found our online community gets us and it has been so helpful to not feel alone in all this… thank you for your support and friendship, you are such a blessing to me too and I know God connected us, Thank you soooo much 💛

      Liked by 1 person

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