Feel stuck like a wheel in the mud

car-stuck-in-mud    Driving along in this journey, I’m stuck. My tires spin in the mud and muck of where I am at. I need a tow, but who to call?

At this moment writing that, I realize who I should call, who I normally would call, and that is the one who knows every crook and cranny of who I am, where I am at, and such. I used to talk to Him much more. The chaos of journeying through trauma has put me in a whirlwind… a storm that I’ve fretted in and lost any sense of peace and stillness.

Cropped-Still-Small-Voice

1 Kings 19 keeps entering my mind… to me it means that despite the raging storms, rest yourself in the shelter He provides just as Elijah was safe in the cave opening, and quiet yourself finding the peace and serenity and ability to hear His still small voice… … to set myself still and let Him wrap His arms of love & tenderness around me, with a soft voice He speaks to my heart saying He knows what I am going through… Feeling His presence, His light breaking the darkness, He just wants to hold me and for me to not run off again because it feels (?)… Often I can’t put it into words to tell Him, but knowing He knows, and mustering up simple cries, “It hurts, It hurts…” is all it really takes…

I haven’t done that in awhile. I’ve been busy distracting myself, avoiding… and you know, I am so tired of crying. I fluctuate through cycles of, okay I’m going to face this and overcome… to anger: just want to live my life now and not spend my present dealing with the past… to numbness: none of this is real…  Honestly, I am struggling to accept I have to FEEL and do what it takes to go forward… If I look back, I have made a lot of progress but looking ahead there is still so much more… I’ve always wanted it all to go away… YES, I want to be better! but can’t it just go away by my choosing that attitude, ugh…

I have been stuck in my coping methods for a long time. Boy, its hard to break them. Dissociating is as natural as breathing. Others I have learned along the way include chaos which I didn’t recognize until recent. Mostly my moving apartments, jobs, relationships, cities… It reminds me of the sea when it is rough and sediments swish around, yet if the environment is calm, the sediment settles to the sea floor… which I cannot seem to do. I start a project. I rearrange my furniture and things, again, (and many times cannot find/ figure where I moved something) (My husband: “why can’t you just leave things in the same spot?”, as he is looking for the tape…”why do you always have to be moving things around?” Me: sorry, I can’t help it, I have major control issues, etc., etc.)           I add another small part time job to my schedule to keep track of. Whatever I can control. Whatever brings more chaos. Then I won’t feel… but I need to feel to move forward. Its the way out. I have been reading online others talk of emotional fluidity comparing it to the waves of the s ea. I love it but wish I could really grasp it… apply it… Another girl wrote somewhere online how feelings come and go like movement and never were meant to be held onto so tight. Own the feeling, acknowledge and feel, but then release and let it go…  While all I’ve ever done is collect and bury them… Now its so overwhelming and all over the place, its crazy…  Frozen memories locked away thaw like icebergs… some feel so scary and hot like volcano erupting…  FEELING IS SO UNFAMILIAR… it is frustrating… I don’t care for the unfamiliar… familiar is comfortable… which I suppose is why so many of us stick with unhealthy ways… Not sure how to close this post… but if you are stuck too, you aren’t stuck alone…

stuck car

 

About kpaol

Hi! I love God, my husband, my kitty, photography & photoshop, blogging, & my wordpress community :)
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