my symptoms & struggles ptsd

trauma chart

for so many years I knew something wasn’t right with me… but living in a world where I had to be strong  – try to keep a job & pay bills like everyone else – I had to keep a lot compartmentalized… I had seen many counselors and doctors finding no answers… on the outside it looks like I have it together… well when you have to keep secrets… when you have to suppress it all to cope… when you have no support, no validation, and in an environment where deep inside you know things aren’t right but we all act like it is… it can feel very confusing, crazy, and lonely…

So…. I often turned to my ‘friend’ the internet… or should I say ‘google’… trying to find answers, make sense of ‘me’… finding comfort that at least google is finding explanations for me… I’m feeling more understood… I found these terms sometime back… these are the, Yes, that’s me!…

emotional numbing ~ thinking or talking about a very upsetting event yet have no feeling about it.     intellectualization ~ talking about an upsetting event with no feelings – living in the “head” not the “heart”.     depersonalization ~ sensation of living outside one’s body as if watching a movie – detachment, feeling as if watching own life from outside body.     dissociative amnesia ~ inability to recall events or blocks of time not due to ordinary forgetfulness.     hypervigilance ~ enhanced state of sensory sensitivity and heightened attention to environmental threat detection and avoidance.    emotional dysregulation ~ inability to flexibly respond to and manage emotions.

And from childhood I had recurring nightmares, fear, withdrawal (everyone else attributed to shyness)… As I got older depression kicked in, nightmares, flashbacks, emotional breakdowns, hospitalizations (that friends and family don’t even know about), anorexia… at work I was consumed with 110% work performance – the only place I ever got praise… at home I was in my own world – it felt so unsafe being ok during the day but terrifying at night… Waking up every morning not knowing I was scared the prior night – thats how split my mind was…

As more awareness is out on trauma & ptsd, my friend, google, has found me more resources & info to help me feel understood… I try to site my sources – I apologize if some I couldn’t…

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from pinterest trauma chart


 

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cptsd


 

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As I write this I currently feel detached… surreal… it is soooo hard (choking up now) to own all this when I daily have to live the me presented to the world that I’m fine… to be able to handle daily living… I am so blessed that my husband is supporting me now… I had applied for disability… had presented my struggles holding down a job… my hospitalizations… my counseling records (though they didn’t show the extent because we didn’t get ‘there’ I always had to be strong and even counselors didn’t know how bad things were on the inside of me… and I never had the same counselor for a long time… so anyway, I was denied 3x and appealed it with a judge… was with my disability lawyer… it was a video conference hearing… my lawyer said don’t cry… try to get through this and answer her questions… I was “strong” held it together til I couldn’t anymore and literally had a panic attack but by then was facing away from the judge toward my lawyer and my lawyer escorted me out to the hallway to my husband… everyone else in the hall staring at me while I am freaking out hyperventilating, crying, shaking, unable to stand… but the judge didn’t see that and thought I was fine…  Besides feeling rage, I felt minimized, unheard, and many other things I can’t even put into words.  Now is a good time to share my last hospitalization… (I was baker-acted, a law in FL that you have to stay there 3 days if you say you are suicidal)… I went to a new doctor asking if he can give me a prescription because I did feel that way more lately and needed help… (some doctors will, and others want you to go to a psychiatrist… I always had physicians that gave me my medications without any problem…) The new doctor had his nurse walk me to the emergency room to baker-act me.  I hadn’t been to this place before… it was awful… I went to my bed and cried profusely and an employee told me if I act like that they won’t let me leave… it was the same old message, gotta act like everything is okay… I quickly “switched” put on my best performance of being strong and a model patient… enduring those 3 days feeling locked up in a prison… the hurt is fresh right now as the day it happened… but I push it aside again because I don’t know what to do with the feelings. I’ve only wanted a safe place and person to get my feelings out, why is that so hard to find in the world?!

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About kpaol

Hi! I love God, my husband, my kitty, photography & photoshop, blogging, & my wordpress community :)
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