When no one understands…

If you too have felt misunderstood, and for the longest time wonder what is wrong with you, I hope this site can help you feel you are not alone. Since the ’90s I have gone to many counselors and left feeling more hopeless.

My only strength, hope, and comfort has been, and is from God. Knowing He knows every nook & cranny about me, understands it all, and faithfully guides me and is there for me has kept me sane. He has led me to books and resources online – I have had to discover things on my own.

I’ve been through different stages of healing but still journeying on… I hope the things that helped me will help others. Resources I have found online have been surfacing in which people are finally explaining whats up and we are feeling understood and given tools how to get better…

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Great article on talking vs processing…there is a difference!

https://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/2011/06/09/talking-vs-processing-in-trauma-therapy/

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what if I told you nothing is wrong with you…

I have always felt like something is wrong with me. I recently, after reading many Instagram and Pinterest posts, have come to the conclusion there is nothing wrong with me nor you. All that we are is a result of surviving what we have been through. That is normal. Would you expect to come to a tidy, clean home after a natural disaster? It would be normal for that home to be broken down and a mess… so we as well… and as we recover and heal we become more whole, but it doesn’t take away our worth and value. We are a normal response to the abuse we endured. 

Part of my personal struggle is no one else admitting the reality of the abuse. I search the internet high and low for validation. Maybe my WP community and other sites are strengthening me to realize, this did really happen to me even if no one around me will affirm it, and where I am at in my life is typical… nothing is wrong with me… I just am stuck in a real world / fake world dichotomy because others in my life don’t acknowledge or cannot accept my real world….  My husband loves me so much he tries, and knows, but it is too emotionally hard to let it be real to him. So he forgets why I struggle each day… Some people cannot fathom the depths of what abusive people do to others and its consequences to the person on the receiving end… He wishes he could fix it. He hates seeing me hurting… so I have those that outright deny it and those that cannot handle it… that doesn’t make it any less real…. and what you went through, how it has made you today, it is normal… … you may be misunderstood, but you are not unloveable, you are not messed up…   …you may be in pieces, you may feel broken, but that is to be expected and that is everything right with you, not wrong with you…


…another thing I looked at (thanks to Instagram for suggesting introvertdear) for me personally is how personality traits of being introverted – society shuns like not talking enough, wanting to be alone rather than out with people, etc… reading her posts, I discover tons of validation for what is just a normal personality type that makes non-introverts uncomfortable.

I also discovered society wants everyone to be happy, happy, happy, and life isn’t that way! Or they want you to grieve in one day and move on…  Or they don’t just sit with you in your feelings but want to ‘fix’ them… (The, ‘what’s wrong?, so they can talk it out with you and give you an answer, to make them feel better and move on because your feelings make them uncomfortable)…

I love the posts on Instagram about not needing someone to fix it or give advice but to just silently sit with you and ‘be’ while you go thru it…  I don’t think I have ever met anyone in my life (besides my husband) that would put their arm around me, let me cry it all out, just nurturing the emotional healing… We really could use more of that in our society…

 

stigma-quote-13-1-healthyplace

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reblog: Broken Pieces

(Photo by Lindsay O’Neil) Broken Pieces By Savannah Lawrence Have you ever broken a plate before? Maybe it happened when you were little? When it falls, it’s loud and creates a mess. There are sharp pieces lying on the floor, and you must handle the debris with caution. There is always a cause to the plate […]

via Broken Pieces — MARKED MINISTRY

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Songs for the Broken playlist on youtube

I created this playlist for myself and if you like it too, I’m sharing…. and if you have a favorite you’d like to share with me not on my playlist, feel free to share in the comments 🙂

 

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Poem ~ Struggles Healing of Trauma

Wrote this morning:

Viewing life through a prism, it feels like a prison,
many mirrors of a multiple me, to survive the abuse I become a we,
another inside me takes on the pain, the only way to cope and stay sane,
the rest of me doesn’t remember, the painful event that happened November,
til decades later repressed memories seep out, don’t understand what it’s all about,
slowly recovering shattered pieces of my life, painful wounds cutting like a knife,
so difficult to integrate, only so much a heart can take,
feels like my heart is bleeding with every flashback, my body out of control with each panic attack,
this is the life I am living inside my fake walls, trying to be strong til I break & it falls,
wishing just one person could understand, wishing just one person would hold my hand,
walk through this with me, tell me someday I can be free,
I can no longer be strong and pretend, I cannot do this alone, I need a friend,
I don’t need advice, I just need to be, I just need someone to sit with me,
sit with me while I feel the pain, while it comes crashing down like pouring rain,
but emotions come out too intense, so I push them back and build a fence,
a fence of stone and steel, because I don’t want to feel,
so I am stuck again, this will never end…
until I can remain real, and let myself feel…

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https://my.vanderbilt.edu/developmentalpsychologyblog/2014/05/parental-influence-on-the-emotional-development-of-children/

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This was painfully powerful… Watch “Shaming and Hating Yourself – Grieving Family History” on YouTube

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when good things hurt…

Is this the bittersweet? I cannot believe the dream I had… It was like seeing a film of me as I would have been had I grown up in a healthy environment. If you had not seen my other posts, I have had reoccurring dreams of upnorth at my grandmother’s house and they have evolved from terrifying when I was little to healing into freedom… This dream I have never reached this place of normalcy. I was with my grandma being a normal, social granddaughter rather than a quiet, timid, scared girl. The closeness, the interaction, the sharing, the confiding, the laughter…. so that is what it would have been like. I woke so happy to have experienced this, if only in my mind… but later in the day, anxiety and tears come… it feels so confusing… it feels so sad… I wish she were alive now… I am so bogged down with emotions, its hard to sort them out… I feel like I am walking in a fog… This is when its too much to identify all the emotions so I just cry in God’s arms telling Him how it hurts, thankful for the dream, but yet, it hurts… He understands it all. I don’t have to. I believe I keep my sanity by knowing He knows it all and is with me, understanding it all… He is so great, I don’t have to explain a thing to Him, He already knows..

I wish the good things didn’t hurt so much… as time goes on and my heart and mind are mended, I know it won’t… it is part of the process…

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Reblog – What The Enemy Meant For Harm…

http://wp.me/p3u5ZW-3U5

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Post Traumatic Stress In Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse – an article by Barb

Found this article very informative…

Post Traumatic Stress In Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse  
Trauma specialists believe that “what is most tragic about child abuse and neglect is the exploitation of the child’s attachment to the parent.” To be sure, it is far easier to abuse one’s own children, precisely because their love and loyalty to the parent render them much more compliant than they would be to a stranger. Continue reading

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