If you too have felt misunderstood, and for the longest time wonder what is wrong with you, I hope this site can help you feel you are not alone. Since the ’90s I have gone to many counselors and left feeling more hopeless.
My only strength, hope, and comfort has been, and is from God. Knowing He knows every nook & cranny about me, understands it all, and faithfully guides me and is there for me has kept me sane. He has led me to books and resources online – I have had to discover things on my own.
I’ve been through different stages of healing but still journeying on… I hope the things that helped me will help others. Resources I have found online have been surfacing in which people are finally explaining whats up and we are feeling understood and given tools how to get better…
Wrote this morning:
Viewing life through a prism, it feels like a prison,
many mirrors of a multiple me, to survive the abuse I become a we,
another inside me takes on the pain, the only way to cope and stay sane,
the rest of me doesn’t remember, the painful event that happened November,
til decades later repressed memories seep out, don’t understand what it’s all about,
slowly recovering shattered pieces of my life, painful wounds cutting like a knife,
so difficult to integrate, only so much a heart can take,
feels like my heart is bleeding with every flashback, my body out of control with each panic attack,
this is the life I am living inside my fake walls, trying to be strong til I break & it falls,
wishing just one person could understand, wishing just one person would hold my hand,
walk through this with me, tell me someday I can be free,
I can no longer be strong and pretend, I cannot do this alone, I need a friend,
I don’t need advice, I just need to be, I just need someone to sit with me,
sit with me while I feel the pain, while it comes crashing down like pouring rain,
but emotions come out too intense, so I push them back and build a fence,
a fence of stone and steel, because I don’t want to feel,
so I am stuck again, this will never end…
until I can remain real, and let myself feel…
Is this the bittersweet? I cannot believe the dream I had… It was like seeing a film of me as I would have been had I grown up in a healthy environment. If you had not seen my other posts, I have had reoccurring dreams of upnorth at my grandmother’s house and they have evolved from terrifying when I was little to healing into freedom… This dream I have never reached this place of normalcy. I was with my grandma being a normal, social granddaughter rather than a quiet, timid, scared girl. The closeness, the interaction, the sharing, the confiding, the laughter…. so that is what it would have been like. I woke so happy to have experienced this, if only in my mind… but later in the day, anxiety and tears come… it feels so confusing… it feels so sad… I wish she were alive now… I am so bogged down with emotions, its hard to sort them out… I feel like I am walking in a fog… This is when its too much to identify all the emotions so I just cry in God’s arms telling Him how it hurts, thankful for the dream, but yet, it hurts… He understands it all. I don’t have to. I believe I keep my sanity by knowing He knows it all and is with me, understanding it all… He is so great, I don’t have to explain a thing to Him, He already knows..
I wish the good things didn’t hurt so much… as time goes on and my heart and mind are mended, I know it won’t… it is part of the process…
Found this article very informative…
Post Traumatic Stress In Adult Survivors Of Child Abuse
Trauma specialists believe that “what is most tragic about child abuse and neglect is the exploitation of the child’s attachment to the parent.” To be sure, it is far easier to abuse one’s own children, precisely because their love and loyalty to the parent render them much more compliant than they would be to a stranger. Continue reading
By Eric Perry, PhD-c Audio version | Click here “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” ~Oscar Wilde In one way or another we are all caretakers. Care taking can be found in all aspects of life. Some of us are care takers in the professional sense and work in medical, mental health or […]
via 3 Steps to Create a Self-Care Plan — MakeItUltra™
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Originally posted on Pretty Prints & Paper:
Continuing the mental health vibe, I was immediately captured by Lili’s posts on the Bullet Journal Junkies Facebook group – it was such a thoughtful way to use bullet journaling as a way…
When I got to page 5 in Your Life After Trauma, and read, “…create from scratch who you’ve always wished you’d had the chance to become.” it struck a nerve, I knew I had to go to my journal with it… if you can’t tell… the sketch is me sitting alone against the wall with a cloud while others are in the sunshine playing and laughing together… This was so painful to me, and after doing it, I didn’t feel any resolution… in my trying to surf emotions and such, I feel I’m left out in the deep end hanging on to a life preserver – I don’t get what to do next… the feelings are just there and not leaving… what am I missing??? I just feel so much loss and anger with this entry… but the feelings are not moving and going anywhere… they just stick like dry mud…
(if this is really hard to make out, let me know, I can type out what the words are below it)
Michele Rosenthal ~ Your Life After Trauma (started first chapter)
I ordered her book on Amazon. I feel hopeful. I read the first chapter and feel this will be a good tool for me. I wonder how many of you have already gone through the book. Also feel free to comment on other books and tools you have used.
…it takes readers through a step-by-step process of healing the identity crisis, from understanding some of the basic brain science behind trauma and why you feel the way you do, to recognizing who you were (or had the potential to be) before the trauma, who you are today, after the trauma, and who you want to become.